Struggling...

[ ten years... ]

Read on..

The waiter was cleaning up the plates of salad on
our table and replacing them with dishes of the main
course when she walked in. I looked twice, just to
make sure it was her; after all, it's been ten years.
It was. There she was, my ex. Just like that, she walks
back in to my life, and now, suddenly, my brain is
flushed by memories of her, and us, and how much I loved her.
Of course, ten years could do so much, and she looked a
little different now. She had grown her hair long. Back then, she
often talked about how she wanted to grow her hair long,
and how beautiful she'll be then. She was right. She looked
like a goddess as her long black hair further accentuated
her flawless mestiza complexion. Her face hasn't changed much,
her lips were still as red as I remember them, although that's
probably helped by the lipstick she now wore. She had very
light make-up on, which would give you the impression that she put
it on just for the sake of putting it on. She definitely did
not need it. She was wearing a blue dress. A smile appeared on
my lips when I remembered how much I enjoyed shopping with her.
It might seem odd to guys out there, who find shopping with their
girlfriends boring, but I really enjoyed shopping with her. My
favorite part was seeing her in all those dresses, and looking
at how great she looked, and then telling myself how lucky I am
because she'd be wearing those dresses when we go out on a date.
But she was the only girl I really enjoyed shopping with, I became
like all the other guys with the other girls. I was bored to death,
and I no longer did that with any other girl. She was in the company
of another girl and a guy, who had permed hair and wore make-up. I
guess it's safe to assume that the guy was gay, I mean, the David
Bowie look isn't exactly hot right now. I really didn't care much
for either of the two, because my attention was pretty much focused
on her. I couldn't help but notice her smile, which was still
beautiful but definitely different. It was the smile of a confident
woman, only flashes of which I saw back when we were still together,
when the smile of a self-conscious but sweet, giggly girl was the
smile she wore on her face. Her eyes were still the same, though.
They were big and brown and they'd grow bigger when she gets excited.
Her eyes were beautiful, the prettiest one I'd seen, and there's just
that tinge of melancholy in them, which seemed to tell you that she
could burst into tears any moment. She could look at me with those
eyes, and I would just melt. I was the one who walked away.
I could barely remember the reason now, but it was probably something
that seemed so big and important then during that time, but would
seem so silly and trivial now looking back. The only thing I could
remember about that night was that there were no stars in the skies.
I don't recall the look on her face then, probably because I never
looked, probably because I was too scared to look. Oh, and it was
cold that night. It was very cold. It probably rained, and I probably
got wet, but I'm not quite sure. To tell you the truth, I never
really got over her. Up until now, I still keep that locket she gave
me then, one that had a picture of her when she was only thirteen years
old. She told me she put that particular picture in the locket because she
looked so sweet and beautiful when she was younger. Of course, I thought
this was ridiculous, because I thought she was the most beautiful girl
to me at that time. And the sweetest, too. I remember, during my OJT
the summer before my senior year in college, I'd make sure that I was
alone during coffee breaks. I'd make sure that absolutely no one is
around me. Then, when I was sure enough, I'd take out the locket and stare
at it dumbly. I'd see that sweet young girl, and I'd get excited because
I know I'd see her soon, and then everything else in the world wouldn't matter.
I still keep that locket in a locked drawer in my house. And yes, during rare
moments, when I am absolutely sure no one is around me, I'd take out the
locket and stare at it dumbly. I guess that was the reason why I never came back
to school after graduation, not even for a visit. There were just
too many memories, too many places we went to, too many people we know,
too many times when I sat there and held her hand, too many moments when I
looked into her eyes and talked about forever. There was a time soon after when
I hated myself for loving her so much. I had a hard time sleeping every night, but pride
of course prevented me from asking her back. The thing about it was, nobody
knew. Everyone thought I was strong, and each time I went out, I was out
there with a smile. There were too many things to do, too many parties, too
much schoolwork, too many girls to keep me busy, and I kept myself busy. I
was determined not to think about her anymore, but it was very difficult.
But I did it. After a long time, I just became numb. Sure I wasn't
thinking about her every second, but the moment I stopped that, I was sure
a part of me died. Finally, dinner was over and dessert was being served.
I gather all my courage to walk over to her table and say "Hi."
"Hi. Oh my God, Paulo, Paulo Coronado. I haven't seen you since..."
"Yeah." We haven't really seen each other since that night I walked away.
"So how have you been? It's been so long..." We exchanged some more pleasantries.
It felt great seeing her, again looking into her eyes after all these years. I
would have held her hand, I would have stayed there forever, but I knew I had
to go back to my table where my wife and two children were waiting.

posted by: Dizzy (",) 8:39 AM


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[ retreat ]

whew, I'm back! been a long time since a posted one.its bcoz nothin's really been happening to me. just like the old days.well, anyways.. i just got back from a retreat in Caleruega, Batangas. the place was so cool, and cozy... you can see mountains everywhere andeven hear the wind blowing. really cool. well, learned a lot from that retreat. we did a couple of action songs, sounds corny but if was fun. i loved the song "I can", "i can live, i can love.... blah". one thing i'll never forget was when we were tryin' to look for the bottles of gin that they bought but they werent able to get it inside coz of the guard. it was about 9pm, and we did made a hole on the gate. i was the smallest in the group so it was me who had to past through the gate. just when i did, my heart was really beating that fast, it was pounding. but i have to find them gins. but i wasnt coz it wasnt there anymore its bcoz the guard did. he
knew that we were trying to split some liquors inside. the word "expulsion" was in my mind that time, coz if we got caught we will be expelled. good thing we werent... lucky me...well, back in the usual thing for me. i'm back in this crowded world with new nspirations to keep me goin'.

quote:
"ouch! that hurts", "that doesnt matter its in the past..."
"someday, somehow we will get what we always wanted, it may
not be the exact thing but it is what we deserve"

posted by: Dizzy (",) 4:10 PM


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